Ivory

Hi guys.

I was thinking about starting a vlog but I’m not as clever when I’m talking as I am when I’m writing award winning blogs. 

Case in point.

I was at the poker table and an older reg asked…

“So what happened, did you go to China?”

His intention was to find out where I had been the last couple of years. He obviously didn’t know that one could fly to China and back in two days.  Being an intellectual gymnast though, I knew what he meant.

“I had a baby,” I said.

“Must have been a big baby,” the witty older gentleman replied, glaring at me.

“Yup.”

THIS.

This is why I won’t vlog.  I said ‘Yup.”  Two minutes later I realized I should have said “Must suck to be bald, eh?” But I didn’t say that because I am not quick on my feet with words.  My first instinct is always to be agreeable and polite.  By the time I had crafted this ridiculously brilliant response in my head too much time had passed.  Nobody would get to hear what an ingenious wordsmith I am.

(No offense to my bald readers, of which I know there are many because this site has a sick analytics system.)

So where have I been and what have I been doing?  This resuscitated blog will be about those things, and more!

First though let us address the elephant in the room. 

 

Me.  I’m the elephant.  I’m huge, not like in tv ratings, but in weight.  I did have a baby and I did gain baby weight and I did not lose it.  So besides gambling and my mundane daily activities, I’ll probably be talking about how I’m fat and what I’m doing about it.

Like this gem. 

I went to Orange Theory. The girl behind the counter, who asked me if I had to “potty” when I asked where the bathroom was, handed me a heart monitor and expected me to just lift my shirt and put it on in front of all the other people waiting for class. As if!

I tried my best to turn away from the crowd as I strapped the monitor above my big belly. 

Ok.  Done.  Time for class.  On the way in all the students were high-fiving the instructor. Yes, really. Agreeable me of course fell in line.  EDM was blaring, as one would expect, and the teacher started yelling out his commands.  While minding my own business, galloping along on my treadmill, he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t notice on the way in, I’ll modify the class for you.”

Sigh.

“No, I’m not pregnant."

“Oh.”

That was like 5 months after I had the baby, no big deal right?  Some guy at the table asked me a few weeks ago when I was due.  I had the baby a year ago, so…

Gambling, mundane life, fat.  If you have any other requests leave a comment below.

Later.