insight timing

I took more than the recommended dose of recreational Valium so let’s go for a longer ride than usual…

The last few months I’ve found myself sitting in the casino, waiting for something exciting to happen, and thinking mostly about my mortality.  If I’m on a game, if I’m on my way to a game, if I’m going over a game plan, I’m solid. But if I have to pass time in a casino without a spot to obsess about, I sit there preoccupied with how I’ll be dead soon and gambling is dumb. Then my mind goes straight to the reality that a lot of the world is in crisis and unimaginable horrors are happening and then I’m over the “gambling is dumb” part but am still besieged with my mortality.  

My mind used to, in simpler terms, wander excessively when I was younger so to distract myself I’d routinely travel and work 4000 hours a year.

Now with my current life status I’m back to my old ways, except I’m only allotted half the time to work an unhealthy amount.  My genius child whose presence I am honored to soak in takes up the other half.  

I obsess about how I’m missing 50% of his childhood, of his first taste of a food or when he learns a new word and I’m not there.  It sucks.  Being separated sucks.  Being severed from a unit you did not want to have to sever from sucks.  I’m not even in the mood to use a thesaurus, that’s how bad it sucks. And knowing that life is insanely short and valuable and this is the situation I’m in is the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced.  It should not be so hard to maintain a relationship, unless someone checks out I suppose. And then the blame game starts, and it never ends, and then we die.

The bright side to all of it is that I’m much less angry.  On the flip side, I’m depressed.  So tonight is one of those 50%’s that I’m without child, without unit, but what’s different is I quit the grind early. Eh, I inputted some data if I’m going to be honest, but now that I’m done I’m officially off for the rest of the night. Artificially relaxed and with a never-ending cup of tea beside me (it’s Lipton).

So what should we talk about!? How so many successful men who we meet in the casino have no common sense? 

Wait, I just re-read the next to next to last paragraph and it sounds brutal.  Nobody over here thinking of taking a leap off the top floor of the Silverton garage, we are fine. (A couple did that and I wondered why they didn’t choose a taller garage).

Back to the story…

I used to wonder about this all the time (successful men not having common sense) but now I’m used to it, I almost expect it. They own businesses or do work in the real world that I could never find the mental capability to do yet they’re clueless about simple things.  I don’t mean gambling-wise, even though they’re clueless about that too.  It’s not that they don’t know basic strategy or try to martingale their way to riches, or even the superstitions they are not immune to. I mean oftentimes the high-level business exec with the Patek Phillippe can’t understand what amount to bet on a carnival game even though he’s been at the table for 4 hours or him and his entourage not being able to find the Uber pick up. Guys, it isn’t hard. I know I have better examples, but I’m woozy, not my best work.

Oh wait, I wanted to throw this nugget in somewhere, an example of money not signaling smarts.  I guess here is as good as any. I played poker with A-Rod for a few hours and the guy could not grasp the simplest things. He didn’t get the betting in 20/40 limit, completely did not get it and it went on for hours. It wasn’t pot limit, it was a fixed limit game, you deal with 20 and 40 dollar bets. I mean I don’t know, maybe he was on something?  Didn’t seem like it. I had to switch games because the rest of the table kept trying to chat him up and the game was too slow (must get hands in!!!) but he was polite and to be fair I’m sure I’ve given off a dumb as a bag of bricks vibe in some life scenario that I wasn’t even aware of but bro, when the person to your right has acted, its your turn, it never changes!

By the way did you guys see the Jose Canseco tweets this week about A-Rod cheating with his ex-wife? They were amusing enough for me to give him a follow and also what brought this super fascinating memory to life.

Alright let’s wrap this up.

I heard the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel was pretty good, I think I’m going to binge that. I’m in a funk, and it’s probably going to get much worse before it gets better. I’m not even on a losing streak, work has been above average.  This is not a cry for help; nobody hit me up with essential oil recommendations or links to meditation apps.  If anything, send me suggestions for good stand up. I’ve got a new thing for Jaboukie, but he doesn’t have a lot of content online.  For your viewing pleasure I’ve included him below.


like snow, like gold

My toddler son always wants to play with older kids at the playground. They will be involved in a game of tag or hide n seek and my baby will chase them around, thinking that he’s part of the game and they are all friends. Most of the time the older kids are annoyed with him, especially when he tags someone, and they don’t hide their feelings. Meanwhile my son is completely oblivious to it. He has no idea they want nothing to do with him. I get really upset and I try to direct his attention to something else so he won’t figure it out and get a taste of how a lot of people in this world really are. My son is as pure and innocent as Elliott Smith was when he performed at the Oscars and I want to keep him that way forever.